The following chapters are briefly excerpted on this page, except the Table of Contents, which appears in full:

Foreword

Preface

Table of Contents

The Minimizing Red Flag

The Sex Red Flag

Afterword

from the Foreword by Stephanie Capps

            I have worked for a Domestic Violence program for nine years. I have talked to hundreds of women and heard thousands of stories of abuse.... Women do not seek abusive relationships or want to be with men who dominate and abuse them. Abuse victims get conned, manipulated and tricked by men who are very good at what they do. These men act charming in the beginning---and then they change.... In nearly every case, the woman is bewildered because logic and intuition do not help her understand what her partner is doing to her. When she tries to communicate with him, her appeals to fairness and reason fall on deaf ears, leaving her to think she is crazy....

            I met Anna while she was still living with her (now former) husband who was basically keeping her as a prisoner in his home.... She did not realize she was experiencing domestic abuse... I spent a lot of time with this courageous woman during her months at the shelter. It was satisfying to see her transform from shell-shocked abuse victim to purposeful woman again...

            Women need this information. Young girls need it, too, so they can learn to recognize red flags and use that discernment to seek happy, healthy relationships. I don't see any other way to cure this plague in our society. The reality is that if society continues to ignore this problem, it will continue to escalate because that is the nature of the thing. Education is the key to real change. This book is an excellent resource and I am glad to have been part of Anna's journey.

from the Preface

          Unlike the uninformed millions who strive, struggle and suffer abuse, after reading this book, you will be armed with discernment that can save you out of it. You will be able to recognize relationship red flags when you see them. You will be in a position of power to reckon your response rather than be led away like a prisoner to the tower.

          A few distinctions at the outset:

• Abusers are made, not born.
• Over 85 percent of perpetrators are male.
• Normal relationship issues are not red flags.
• Abuse comes in many forms: emotional, financial, mental, physical, sexual, social, verbal.
• Abuse occurs along a spectrum of intensity and visibility.

Table of Contents

Foreword

Preface

Introduction

Part One: Truth and Consequences

1. The Land of Red Flags

Some of What is at Stake

Who Needs to Know

What Red Flags Mean

When Red Flags are Everywhere

Why Red Flags Exist

Where to See Red Flags

How An Abuser is Made

Part Two: 37 Red Flags

2. The Thing that Drives Him

Control

3. The Weaponized Behaviors

Belittling

Blaming

Criticizing

Defining

Denying

Isolating

Lying

Minimizing

4. The Minor Techniques

Distraction

Double Standards

Food

Humiliation

Money

Sex

Sleep

Time

Withholding

5. His Personality Dynamics

Anger

Compulsion

Egotism

Hypocrisy

Immaturity

Indifference

6. The Masks He Wears

The Perfect Gentleman

The Reveler

The Animal Lover

The Family Man

The Great Guy

7. The Hallmarks

Entitlement

Escalation

Injury

"No"

Other Women

Rights

Rules

Part Three: Responses

8. Three Solutions and a Wish

9. Personal Tools for Coming Back

Afterword

Part Four: Appendices

A. Identifying Abuse

B. Getting Safe

C. From the Experts

D. National Statistics

E. Twisted Scripture

F. Shared Traits: Abusers and Psychopaths

G. Professional Resources

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Gravitas

The MINIMIZING Red Flag

            In the beginning, minimizing actually saves him some time and trouble because it lets him put things into neat little packages that can be thrown away or ignored. If he can't blame, deny or lie, he minimizes. This handily excuses him, and like other red flags, puts the problem back in your lap. There is nothing he can't minimize if it serves him. Minimizing is an insidious and even sadistic behavior that works over time to weaken you and strengthen him. Day by day, it chips away at your personhood by making light of your experiences and disrespecting your needs. It also serves to call into question your emotional and mental facultires with the insinuation that you're off your rocker for being affected by the thing he's minimizing.

            Minimizing, in essence, are behaviors that tell you to SHUT UP.

            One of the ways he minimizes is by refusing to consider or account for your interests or your side of an issue. In his mind, this lessens his responsibility.He fails utterly to reckon the emotional impact that his actions and demands have on you. The man who ultimately destroys his woman succeeds because the last straw act was likely preceded by so much minimization that the woman lost her sense of self, which weakened her internal defenses and her recognition of the danger she's in, which further undermined her ability to resist or leave. 

            When your needs, thoughts, feelings and responses are continually brushed aside, you can't help but begin to doubt yourself. When you realize that you're living in a war zone and you can't trust yourself or rely on your own gut feeling, you are in danger.

            The man who minimizes:

Gets you to quit your job or close your business and then acts condescending, incredulous or even assaultive when you eventually need funds.

Demands that you end a friendship for no reason, and threatens to end it if you don't comply with his timeline.

Forces you to give up an animal you love and then ignores or reacts with disgust at your suffering afterwards.

Walks away in the middle of a conversation as if you're not really there. Any later mention of the failure to resolve the issue is your fault.

Urges you to forego a project or plans that matter to you for no reason and then scoffs at your difficulty in doing so.

Delays his response to a request from you and then refuses to be accountable for the consequences of the delay he caused.

            If he's an accomplished minimizer, you may not even realize what he's doing. You may be so habituated to control and correction, or it may be so subtly done, so logically presented that the ultimate self negation it delivers to you gets through undetected. The inveterate abuser may be responsible for numerous losses you've suffered, but he won't acknowledge them for at least two reasons:

Your pain does not matter to him because he does not have the organic capacity to feel compassion or empathy.

His actions against you do not register in him because he is in denial about who and what he really is and denial is unconscious.

            In verbal exchanges during which you try to explain your feelings, he may tell you impatiently to 'get over it' or 'get over yourself'. Minimizing demonstrates the 'otherness' of the serious abuser. His detachment from compassion, honesty, love and respect makes you feel like you're trying to have a relationship with a stranger or of trying to recapture whatever the initial feelings that created the relationship.

             He minimizes things on the outside because he's not big enough on the inside to honor your experience.

The SEX Red Flag

            At whatever point you become intimate with this man, you may find that contrary to your hope and expectation, the sex is strange. You may feel that something is missing although you can't put your finger on it...

          Eventually, you will discover that intimacy with him is impossible. You will not know why or that there's likely nothing you can do to change that.

            The sex act for him is about control, distraction and gratification; it is not about love and intimacy. Though he probably knows enough to talk about your wants and needs, his action show you that they mean less and less as time goes by.

            One of the wages of his lifelong use and abuse of women is his inability to give and receive love, emotionally or physically. He is utterly incapable of being intimate and tender. He cannot express affection without being sexual. You are fondled and groped, but never held. You are tongued, but never kissed. Your sexual expression is criticized and questioned. You are forced and rushed. You are told how and when to respond...

            When your body shuts down and you can no longer hide the fact the fact that your desire for him is gone, he strikes back. Once you can no longer comply with his demands, you will be raped. Afterwards, you will be yelled at for deceiving him or ruining his sex life. After a while, all you will want is to be out of his bed.

            Sex is enormously important to him, but it's nothing personal.

from the Afterword

            As prey, we have been hounded, torn and violated. We have been used, twisted and held down. We have been poisoned with lies about who we are and what we will never do, be or have. We have been clawed at and fed on, but somehow not quite unto death. And then someone came along and opened a window. We filled our lungs with fresh air and remembered. We gathered ourselves to ourselves and escaped the torture chamber...

            In the fragile season of starting over, you will stop feeling afraid. Your heart will slow down and your hands will be still. No one is in the next room about to go off on you. No one is going to sneer at your or rush you or rape you or hurt your little ones or yell at you or tell you what to think, do or feel.

            Deep is calling unto deep. Your self is coming back to you. You are becoming more, not less. You may pick up where you left off or you may change direction. Whatever follows will be bigger, because you are bigger. One day it will dawn on you that you are coming back to life. Your hopes and dreams will reappear. Your purposes will renew and come back to you. You soul will be calm and your mind will be clear. Your eyes will see and your ears will hear. And woe to anyone after who tangles with you.

            Knowledge is power. Use it. Life is a gift. Live it.