RELATIONSHIP
RED FLAGS
The Ultimate Guide
RED FLAGS
The Ultimate Guide
Media
Bio and Q&A available on request: anna@relationshipredflags.com
“What We Can Learn From the Case of Patrick the Dog”
A young dog on the brink of death, stuffed in a garbage bag, was found at the bottom of a trash chute in Newark the day before Saint Patrick’s. After surprising everyone by surviving his first night at the Associated Humane Society, the emaciated dog was nicknamed Patrick. An innocent victim of extreme starvation and prolonged neglect, this case graphically demonstrates what a person without a conscience can and will do. The growing plague of abused people and animals in this country evidences a growing population of psychopaths.
If Kisha Curtis, Patrick’s owner, is indeed a psychopath, this is what she will do. She will deny responsibility for the dog’s condition while presenting justifications for why she kept, but refused to care for him. If pressed, she will minimize the reality of his suffering and position herself as the victim. If pressed further, she will blame someone else for her own behavior. The facts of the case are still in discovery, but what is known suggests that Kisha Curtis took no steps to get the dog into a better home, but instead mistreated him because it gratified her to do so. This is what psychopaths do; they are a menace to society.
“If this case goes to trial, Kisha’s mother will likely sit in the courtroom and cry that her daughter is innocent. When confronted with evidence of wrong-doing, psychopaths and their families close rank and cry foul. Psychopaths have written the book on denial,” says Anna Moss, author of RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS, a guide on relationship literacy.
Anthropologist Moss offers some additional identifying hallmarks of abusive behavior towards humans and animals:
1. Justification (no matter how egregious the act)
2. Control over others (the chief requirement in all dealings)
3. Lack of self control (a prominent, ironic characteristic)
4. Blame (often done in concert with justifying)
5. Minimizing (to deflect attention)
“I am speaking up for Patrick and the tens of millions of people and animals being harmed by psychopaths every day. The leading cause of injury to the majority of females is their boyfriend or husband. At this rate, it’s only a matter of time until we’re all touched unless we learn how to recognize the warning signs so we can stop the horror,” Moss adds.
# # #
Eight Facts Women Need to Know About “The Other Cancer”
A generationally-transmitted disease is sweeping across the country showing the standard information diet inadequate to combat the frequency and ferocity of outbreaks. The other cancer is relationship violence and like its physical counterpart, for one woman in three, it is a game changer.
“When you face a relationship diagnosis of ‘hopelessly abusive’ it’s natural to feel confused, even paralyzed. This is ‘normalcy bias’ and it sets in when you face an overwhelming crisis you’ve never dealt with before,” says author Anna Moss. “This is why most women don’t leave right away.”
Moss offers these insights from her experience with and research into relationship violence:
1. The number one cause of injury to females 14 to 41 is their husband or boyfriend.
2. Abusive relationships are counterfeit, they start out like one thing and turn into another.
3. Abusive behaviors are masked to conceal their true purpose.
4. Abuse includes elements of brainwashing.
5. Rushing is one of the first warning signs.
6. Successful perpetrators use charm and promises to entrap their target.
7. A third of victims are desirable, high-functioning women.
8. Perpetrators typically prey upon women in situational distress.
Statistics published by the AMA, CDC, DOJ, FBI and other organizations reveal losses of millions of workdays and billions of tax dollars due to relationship violence. With shelters closing and violence rising, the carnage is spilling out into
the street. More than half of business leaders and security directors acknowledge the toll of relationship violence and the
need for better prevention.
Moss teaches relationship literacy in 37 lessons that decode the universal warning signs at a safe distance. “The secret language of relationship violence is counter-intuitive, but it has been decoded and can be learned. This is the key to prediction and prevention,” she adds.
# # #
The Other Valentine's Day
High romance plays a surprising role in relationship violence. One of the telltale signs of a dangerous entanglement is the “escalation cycle” of seeming normalcy, building tension, violent outburst, fake remorse and empty promises. The latter part of this cycle can involve a lot of drama and emotion; some call it the “hearts and flowers” phase, I call it “the other Valentine’s Day.” It occurs after each violent outburst and can play out over days, weeks or months, typically exhausting both partners.
“What happens at the end of the escalation cycle is that the perpetrator says he’s sorry and gets forgiven. The target licks her wounds and gets her hopes up again. Tragically, the cycle begins again and the relationship continues its downward spiral until the woman leaves or is killed,” says author Anna Moss.
With Valentine’s Day approaching, Moss offers these questions to help people assess the red flags of a relationship and their own prey quotient:
• Does your partner accept a “no” answer from you without becoming angry?
• Has your partner damaged or removed any of your personal possessions?
• Does your partner seem to lie in wait and jump on any excuse for an assault or punishment?
• Is your partner trying to limit your access to what you love, like your family, friends, animals?
• Have you taken on overwhelming responsibilities at home or at work?
• Do you stay in relationships or situations far below your abilities?
• Are you driven to succeed even to the point of self sacrifice?
Moss teaches the hallmarks of the counter-intuitive language of relationship violence. She adds, “Prediction and prevention can only be achieved through real discernment. Once you understand this secret language, you can see those early warning signs and get out of harm’s way, and this can make every difference to the kind of life you live.”
# # #
Seven Red Flags Every Woman Must Learn to See
Today, abuse by an intimate partner is the number one cause of injury to females aged 14 to 44. Women over the age of 64 are emerging as the number two target group. Survivors relate that even though physical abuse is awful, economic and emotional abuse are actually much worse.
“This is a tragedy for two reasons,” says Anna Moss, a leading authority on domestic abuse and author of RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS. “Abuse claims millions of women and girls every year and some of it could be prevented. Abuse begins as a con that’s hard to see and harder to believe. If it were easy to recognize and respond to, we wouldn’t be losing lives, perpetuating the cycle and spending billions of dollars on the damage done.”
Here are seven of the red flags Anna explains and illustrates in her book:
1. Ambiguous communications
2. The need for distraction and excitation
3. Compulsive personal habits
4. Masks worn for specific purposes
5. The quest for control
6. The unrelenting escalation cycle
7. The reaction to the word “no”
This information has opened eyes and saved lives by revealing the counter-intuitive hallmarks of abusive individuals. She adds, “Prediction and prevention can be achieved only with discernment. I teach women what abusers look for and why, and how to see those early warning signs so they can get out of harm’s way.”
# # #
Why Do Exceptional Women Get Caught in Abusive Relationships?
This is a question that keeps Anna Moss awake at night. About a third of the 15 million American women contending with abuse right now are actually attractive and accomplished—some extraordinarily so. In recent years, some of the world’s most desirable women have revealed experiences with abuse: Rhianna, Tina Turner, Teri Hatcher, Halle Berry, Oprah Winfrey, Nicole Simpson, Farrah Fawcett and most recently Sandra Bullock and Brooke Mueller.
“Some stereotypes about abused women are tragically inaccurate. Many of these women were very high-functioning in their formerly full lives. But they lack adequate self image, a common problem for many people. Self image comes from negative programming received during the first four years of life. Because the subconscious is the realm of power, this programming can exert ruinous influences that reach into adulthood despite beauty, intelligence and success,” says author Anna Moss.
Remedying inadequate self image is a problem Moss wants to help solve because it makes people vulnerable to interpersonal abuse. True to form, abusers and predators have an uncanny ability to detect this quality. Some of the tell-tale signs of inadequate self image include:
• Tolerating difficult, negative behavior from others.
• Allowing overwhelming responsibilities in her life.
• Being overly driven to succeed and/or overly self sacrificing.
• Staying in relationships and situations far below abilities.
• Being unable or unwilling to relax and enjoy life.
Using Moss’ first book, RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS, women all over North America are learning the warning signs of dangerous individuals and abusive relationships. The soon-to-be-released companion volume will teach readers how to profoundly and safely reprogram themselves to make better relationship choices and decisions.
# # #
Domestic Abuse 101 – Class One
Despite a 30-year inquiry into the subject, many people remain uninformed about the true nature of one of the biggest social issues facing America today. A witness offers a quick look that reveals some implications and solutions for all of us.
If a jet liner with 300 passengers went down every day, it would be on the news every night. How is it that 80,000 health care visits every day due to interpersonal abuse doesn’t make the news? Abuse veteran, anthropologist and writer, Anna Moss connects the dots for the uninitiated to show how this subject touches everyone.
“Abuse is a generationally-transmitted disease. I believe the public is uninvolved because it is uninformed. That can change; in fact, we are very close to the tipping point. Many abused women can be made whole again and the sooner, the better because this country needs them,” says author Anna Moss.
RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS takes readers inside the abuse experience, which starts with the creation of a human being who is driven to harm others to gratify himself. To be able to see the big picture, you must first understand that abusers are made, not born. Some basic facts and findings about domestic abuse include the following:
• The primary cause of domestic abuse is poor parenting. Babies and toddlers subjected to abuse, neglect and trauma suffer permanent brain damage.
• This brain damage begins to show in childhood and increases with age. The textbook behaviors include bullying, juvenile delinquency, substance abuse, animal cruelty and sexual immorality.
• The brain-damaged adult displays a marked incapacity for empathy and compassion. This adult pursues gratification with little or no internal braking from conscience.
• This adult typically gravitates toward one or more of the following pathologies, the rate of recidivism for which is nearly 100 percent: pedophilia, substance abuse, serial rape, serial murder, spousal abuse.
• The adult abuser gets worse with time because it takes more and more to gratify him. Drugs, surgery and therapy do not repair the pathology.
• Children who grow up in abusive homes, repeat the abuse in their households.
As these facts suggest, the cause and effect relationship is generational. The tragedy is that once brain damage has occurred, the child is largely beyond help. However, the adult targets of abuse can be helped and everyone can learn the early warning signs.
# # #
Whitney and Bobby—A Teachable Moment
One of the world’s most celebrated voices was nearly lost to what she says was an addiction to her husband. Veterans of domestic abuse recognize the syndrome: a woman belittled, criticized, defined and humiliated to the point that she can no longer think clearly, defend herself or get away.
As Whitney Houston spoke to Oprah Winfrey on a private soundstage, millions watched and wept over her ordeal. Houston, “the voice”, described years of escalating drug use and domestic abuse. Viewers like me were stunned that a woman of such accomplishment risked her gift to drugs and allowed herself to be reduced to a nervous wreck by her husband.
This happens every day to women of greater and lesser accomplishment. On any given day, one woman in 10 is contending with what Whitney Houston contended with:
• Their child saw her dad spit on her mom and throw her against a wall
• Their child saw her mom hit back once in an act of self defense and draw blood
• She gave up her work to be a full-time wife, to her later detriment
• She endured regular emotional and verbal assaults that she never understood
• She walked on eggshells to avoid assault
“Whitney Houston’s voice is a national treasure and she is to be commended for speaking her truth. She is fortunate to have family, wealth and faith to lean upon as she comes back from domestic abuse. Few are so fortunate. The legions of emotionally and financially battered women out there are a national tragedy. The only way to stop abuse is to learn the warning signs so you can avoid it altogether or escape it before you are unable,” says author Anna Moss.
Moss created a revolutionary mind map describing the hard-to-see and harder-to-believe truths and consequences of abusive entanglements. RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS—37 Life Lessons from a Journey through Abuse takes the reader deep into the warning signs and the secret agenda they eventually reveal. Readers learn how:
• Perpetrators are made, not born
• Targets of abuse set themselves up for the taking
• Perpetrators look for a target with particular attributes
• Targets’ best qualities are used against them
• Perpetrators mask their intent with deceit and deliberation
Written for the uninitiated, Moss’ guide cuts through misinformation and stereotypes to make a teachable moment out of a personal tragedy. It also offers insights and encouragement as only a survivor could.
# # #
The Kentucky Tragedy - What We Can Learn from the Amanda Ross Case
An anthropologist and domestic abuse veteran speaks out about the lessons we can learn from the Amanda Ross/Steven Nunn case. The teachable moments give hope and spell out the implications for us all.
What can we learn from what happened to Amanda Ross? If you guessed “lots”, you’re right.
For starters, we can learn that:
• Attractive, educated, independent women get abused.
• Men in suits kill women in suits.
• The risk isn’t over just because the woman has left.
• Abusers get worse over time.
• Some men kill when they lose control of their victim.
• Protection orders don’t often work.
• Women usually confide to someone when they’re scared.
“Most of what goes on in abuse is counter-intuitive, but when it can be identified, it can be predicted and when it can be predicted, it can be prevented. Once you get it, you have discernment you can use in your own life and you may just get the chance to make a difference in someone else’s life,” says author Anna Moss.
Abuse happens behind closed doors in all kinds of homes, offices, schools and churches. It happens to all kinds of women, to every part of their bodies and to every part of their lives.
If the agenda were easy to escape and the warning signs easy to spot, abuse would become a minor issue. But it’s not easy to recognize and respond to, so it has become a major issue.
Eight million work days, the equivalent of 32,000 jobs, are lost every year due to domestic abuse. Six million household days are lost and five million children regularly witness their mothers, siblings and pets being hurt or threatened annually.
“The core behaviors and patterns of domestic abuse have been decoded. This specialized knowledge can be learned. Once that happens, the tables will turn on the abusers in this world. Everyone into the battle” adds Moss.
If the people around Amanda Ross had known what they were looking at then, she may very well have not died that day. If the people in the Kentucky legislature know what they’re looking at now, her death will not have been in vain.
# # #
For Millions, Everyday is 9/11
Eight years ago, in a matter of hours, the face of society changed because of what the few did to the many. As we reflect, let us also be mindful of the millions who suffer daily at the hands of those they once trusted.
Today, we pause to honor the dead and shake our heads. Over three thousand souls perished for reasons we still can’t fathom. As we ponder this momentous event, let us acknowledge another national tragedy that we can do something about through the power of knowledge.
The leading cause of injury to females between the ages of 14 and 41 occurs at the hands of their intimate partners. Women over the age of 60, particularly those with means, are emerging as the second highest risk group. Statistics from national agencies memorialize these losses for every 24-hour period in this country:
• 43 murders
• 16,000 days of housework
• 21,000 rapes
• 32,000 days of income-producing work
• 54,000 health care visits
“Millions of women are wasting their lives, and the lives of those who depend on them, in hopelessly abusive relationships. Business is losing billions and government is spending billions on the effects of all that waste. The cost in emotional suffering is incomprehensible. This is a high price to pay. We will need wound-dressing for a long time, but this can ultimately be prevented,” says author Anna Moss.
These powerful words come from an abuse survivor whose daring new book, RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS reveals the truth and consequences of abusive entanglements. Moss takes the reader deep into the warning signs and their agenda. Readers will learn:
• How abusers are made
• What they look for and why
• How not to play into their hands
• How to spot them from a safe distance
• Why warning signs are hard to see and hard to believe
Knowledge is power and what we don’t know can destroy us. In the realm of relationships between human beings, discernment is the lever for change and hope.
# # #
Could the Pittsburgh Massacre Have Been Predicted?
Lack of awareness of the warning signs of abusive relationships has once again landed in the news. Last month, a man wired his house to explode and chained his wife to the wall. This month a man retaliated against a former girlfriend with three guns in a gym. What will happen next month?
Every abusive relationship follows a pattern of escalation, explosion and release. This pattern can play out in a day, a week, a month or longer. The explosive phase can be spontaneous combustion or it can be a slow burn. The final phase of George Sodini’s life ended in a hail of bullets in a darkened gym class. Sodini was an attractive, educated man whose attempts to relate to people were so deficient that he was finally driven to murder and suicide after posting his pathology on the internet for more than a year. He succeeded because no one around him recognized the red flags.
“George Sodini seems to typify the middle-class lone nut. He appears presentable, articulate, even ’nice’. This is one of the masks that dangerous individuals wear. What lurked under that mask was a deeply disturbed, disconnected man whose hatred of women, possibly including his mother, could have been a big red flag. These defective individuals are made, not born. Their acts become preventable when you can predict them. You can predict them only when you know the warning signs.” says author Anna Moss.
Another pattern of dangerous relationships is the acting out that occurs when the perpetrator loses control of his target. He may wreck his car, he may make a scene in public, he may get arrested, he may blog, he may post videos and then he may hunt down his prey. Seventy five percent of women who escape abusive marriages or dangerous relationships are attacked by their former partners within six months of their exit.
The warning signs of dangerous people and relationship have been decoded. People can learn how to spot the potential for danger at a distance. The behaviors, techniques, personas, mind games and habits that abusive or dangerous individuals exhibit show up to varying degrees in every part of their life. They show up behind closed doors at home, at work, at school and so forth.
Recognizing the red flags requires specialized knowledge that can be learned; they cannot be discerned by logic or intuition.
# # #
The Red Flags Around the Murdered Model
The murder of a woman by her intimate partner is the most predictable violent crime. Ryan Jenkins entrapped Jasmine Fiore with promises, but after losing control in public outbursts and knowing a day in court approached, he found the way to save face: he killed her and ran.
When an abusive man is about to lose control—when his wife tries to leave him—he is most likely to react violently, even if he has not been violent before. Seventy-five out of a hundred women who are murdered by their husbands are killed during or after their escape.
“Jasmine Fiore is the latest example of the most predictable murder of women: she was killed wanting to escape an abusive husband. These acts become preventable when you can predict them. You can predict them when you know the warning signs and what they mean,” says author Anna Moss.
Ryan Jenkins has looks and the privileges of wealth. The early evidence shows already that he is a textbook abuser. He succeeded because no one around him recognized the red flags.
• He is angry. He was cited for battery less than three months after marrying Fiore. Early reports suggest similar behavior in his past.
• He is controlling. The incidents witnessed by others suggest Jenkins sought to control his wife’s every move and reacted when he could not control her.
• He is jealous. Fiore’s friends report that she hid a phone from her husband for fear of being cut off from family and friends.
True to form, Jenkins’ family is refusing to speak to the press. As Moss points out in her book, abusers are made, not born. The family that creates an abuser keeps secrets and denies that anything is the matter. Withholding and denial are more red flags. When faced with evidence, abusers will deny, justify, lie or murder to avoid accountability.
Every abusive relationship follows a pattern of escalating tension that climaxes in abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, etc.) followed by a quiet phase. Women often get sucked further into abuse because the quiet phase kindles hope in their broken hearts. They begin to hope again. Fiore had had enough and confided to a friend that she was “in over my head” and wanting to escape.
# # #
Survivor Teaches Interpersonal Abuse Prevention with New Mind Map
Like its extreme form, psychopathy, interpersonal abuse is a counter-intuitive set of learned behaviors that people can learn to recognize and avoid.
The old saying is true: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. The consequences of interpersonal abuse continue to exact a high toll on millions from every walk of life. It also costs business and government billions every year.
A 2003 study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control reported that business losses due to domestic abuse equaled nearly eight million paid days of work—the equivalent of 32 thousand full-time jobs and nearly six million days of household work on an annual basis. http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/dvp/IPV/ipv-consequences.htm
“One of the worst things about abuse is the waste—of lives, energy and money. Millions of people are contending with horrific situations that they cannot escape without sustaining further damage. Clearly, a more effective prevention message is desperately needed,” says author Anna Moss.
These powerful words come from respected authority Anna Moss whose daring, new book, RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS reveals the agenda that harms millions every year. In unflinching detail, her book renders the emotional context of 37 classic relationship red flags. She takes readers into the counter-intuitive world abuse to reveal:
• What abusers look for and why
• Why certain people play into their hands
• Why the warning signs are hard to see
• How the warning signs change over time
• What the only real protection is
“Abuse is a response to anxiety. Violent incidents of all kinds are rising as socio-economic and personal pressures continue to climb.” Moss adds.
# # #
Visit Anna's blog
“What We Can Learn From the Case of Patrick the Dog”
A young dog on the brink of death, stuffed in a garbage bag, was found at the bottom of a trash chute in Newark the day before Saint Patrick’s. After surprising everyone by surviving his first night at the Associated Humane Society, the emaciated dog was nicknamed Patrick. An innocent victim of extreme starvation and prolonged neglect, this case graphically demonstrates what a person without a conscience can and will do. The growing plague of abused people and animals in this country evidences a growing population of psychopaths.
If Kisha Curtis, Patrick’s owner, is indeed a psychopath, this is what she will do. She will deny responsibility for the dog’s condition while presenting justifications for why she kept, but refused to care for him. If pressed, she will minimize the reality of his suffering and position herself as the victim. If pressed further, she will blame someone else for her own behavior. The facts of the case are still in discovery, but what is known suggests that Kisha Curtis took no steps to get the dog into a better home, but instead mistreated him because it gratified her to do so. This is what psychopaths do; they are a menace to society.
“If this case goes to trial, Kisha’s mother will likely sit in the courtroom and cry that her daughter is innocent. When confronted with evidence of wrong-doing, psychopaths and their families close rank and cry foul. Psychopaths have written the book on denial,” says Anna Moss, author of RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS, a guide on relationship literacy.
Anthropologist Moss offers some additional identifying hallmarks of abusive behavior towards humans and animals:
1. Justification (no matter how egregious the act)
2. Control over others (the chief requirement in all dealings)
3. Lack of self control (a prominent, ironic characteristic)
4. Blame (often done in concert with justifying)
5. Minimizing (to deflect attention)
“I am speaking up for Patrick and the tens of millions of people and animals being harmed by psychopaths every day. The leading cause of injury to the majority of females is their boyfriend or husband. At this rate, it’s only a matter of time until we’re all touched unless we learn how to recognize the warning signs so we can stop the horror,” Moss adds.
# # #
Eight Facts Women Need to Know About “The Other Cancer”
A generationally-transmitted disease is sweeping across the country showing the standard information diet inadequate to combat the frequency and ferocity of outbreaks. The other cancer is relationship violence and like its physical counterpart, for one woman in three, it is a game changer.
“When you face a relationship diagnosis of ‘hopelessly abusive’ it’s natural to feel confused, even paralyzed. This is ‘normalcy bias’ and it sets in when you face an overwhelming crisis you’ve never dealt with before,” says author Anna Moss. “This is why most women don’t leave right away.”
Moss offers these insights from her experience with and research into relationship violence:
1. The number one cause of injury to females 14 to 41 is their husband or boyfriend.
2. Abusive relationships are counterfeit, they start out like one thing and turn into another.
3. Abusive behaviors are masked to conceal their true purpose.
4. Abuse includes elements of brainwashing.
5. Rushing is one of the first warning signs.
6. Successful perpetrators use charm and promises to entrap their target.
7. A third of victims are desirable, high-functioning women.
8. Perpetrators typically prey upon women in situational distress.
Statistics published by the AMA, CDC, DOJ, FBI and other organizations reveal losses of millions of workdays and billions of tax dollars due to relationship violence. With shelters closing and violence rising, the carnage is spilling out into
the street. More than half of business leaders and security directors acknowledge the toll of relationship violence and the
need for better prevention.
Moss teaches relationship literacy in 37 lessons that decode the universal warning signs at a safe distance. “The secret language of relationship violence is counter-intuitive, but it has been decoded and can be learned. This is the key to prediction and prevention,” she adds.
# # #
The Other Valentine's Day
High romance plays a surprising role in relationship violence. One of the telltale signs of a dangerous entanglement is the “escalation cycle” of seeming normalcy, building tension, violent outburst, fake remorse and empty promises. The latter part of this cycle can involve a lot of drama and emotion; some call it the “hearts and flowers” phase, I call it “the other Valentine’s Day.” It occurs after each violent outburst and can play out over days, weeks or months, typically exhausting both partners.
“What happens at the end of the escalation cycle is that the perpetrator says he’s sorry and gets forgiven. The target licks her wounds and gets her hopes up again. Tragically, the cycle begins again and the relationship continues its downward spiral until the woman leaves or is killed,” says author Anna Moss.
With Valentine’s Day approaching, Moss offers these questions to help people assess the red flags of a relationship and their own prey quotient:
• Does your partner accept a “no” answer from you without becoming angry?
• Has your partner damaged or removed any of your personal possessions?
• Does your partner seem to lie in wait and jump on any excuse for an assault or punishment?
• Is your partner trying to limit your access to what you love, like your family, friends, animals?
• Have you taken on overwhelming responsibilities at home or at work?
• Do you stay in relationships or situations far below your abilities?
• Are you driven to succeed even to the point of self sacrifice?
Moss teaches the hallmarks of the counter-intuitive language of relationship violence. She adds, “Prediction and prevention can only be achieved through real discernment. Once you understand this secret language, you can see those early warning signs and get out of harm’s way, and this can make every difference to the kind of life you live.”
# # #
Seven Red Flags Every Woman Must Learn to See
Today, abuse by an intimate partner is the number one cause of injury to females aged 14 to 44. Women over the age of 64 are emerging as the number two target group. Survivors relate that even though physical abuse is awful, economic and emotional abuse are actually much worse.
“This is a tragedy for two reasons,” says Anna Moss, a leading authority on domestic abuse and author of RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS. “Abuse claims millions of women and girls every year and some of it could be prevented. Abuse begins as a con that’s hard to see and harder to believe. If it were easy to recognize and respond to, we wouldn’t be losing lives, perpetuating the cycle and spending billions of dollars on the damage done.”
Here are seven of the red flags Anna explains and illustrates in her book:
1. Ambiguous communications
2. The need for distraction and excitation
3. Compulsive personal habits
4. Masks worn for specific purposes
5. The quest for control
6. The unrelenting escalation cycle
7. The reaction to the word “no”
This information has opened eyes and saved lives by revealing the counter-intuitive hallmarks of abusive individuals. She adds, “Prediction and prevention can be achieved only with discernment. I teach women what abusers look for and why, and how to see those early warning signs so they can get out of harm’s way.”
# # #
Why Do Exceptional Women Get Caught in Abusive Relationships?
This is a question that keeps Anna Moss awake at night. About a third of the 15 million American women contending with abuse right now are actually attractive and accomplished—some extraordinarily so. In recent years, some of the world’s most desirable women have revealed experiences with abuse: Rhianna, Tina Turner, Teri Hatcher, Halle Berry, Oprah Winfrey, Nicole Simpson, Farrah Fawcett and most recently Sandra Bullock and Brooke Mueller.
“Some stereotypes about abused women are tragically inaccurate. Many of these women were very high-functioning in their formerly full lives. But they lack adequate self image, a common problem for many people. Self image comes from negative programming received during the first four years of life. Because the subconscious is the realm of power, this programming can exert ruinous influences that reach into adulthood despite beauty, intelligence and success,” says author Anna Moss.
Remedying inadequate self image is a problem Moss wants to help solve because it makes people vulnerable to interpersonal abuse. True to form, abusers and predators have an uncanny ability to detect this quality. Some of the tell-tale signs of inadequate self image include:
• Tolerating difficult, negative behavior from others.
• Allowing overwhelming responsibilities in her life.
• Being overly driven to succeed and/or overly self sacrificing.
• Staying in relationships and situations far below abilities.
• Being unable or unwilling to relax and enjoy life.
Using Moss’ first book, RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS, women all over North America are learning the warning signs of dangerous individuals and abusive relationships. The soon-to-be-released companion volume will teach readers how to profoundly and safely reprogram themselves to make better relationship choices and decisions.
# # #
Domestic Abuse 101 – Class One
Despite a 30-year inquiry into the subject, many people remain uninformed about the true nature of one of the biggest social issues facing America today. A witness offers a quick look that reveals some implications and solutions for all of us.
If a jet liner with 300 passengers went down every day, it would be on the news every night. How is it that 80,000 health care visits every day due to interpersonal abuse doesn’t make the news? Abuse veteran, anthropologist and writer, Anna Moss connects the dots for the uninitiated to show how this subject touches everyone.
“Abuse is a generationally-transmitted disease. I believe the public is uninvolved because it is uninformed. That can change; in fact, we are very close to the tipping point. Many abused women can be made whole again and the sooner, the better because this country needs them,” says author Anna Moss.
RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS takes readers inside the abuse experience, which starts with the creation of a human being who is driven to harm others to gratify himself. To be able to see the big picture, you must first understand that abusers are made, not born. Some basic facts and findings about domestic abuse include the following:
• The primary cause of domestic abuse is poor parenting. Babies and toddlers subjected to abuse, neglect and trauma suffer permanent brain damage.
• This brain damage begins to show in childhood and increases with age. The textbook behaviors include bullying, juvenile delinquency, substance abuse, animal cruelty and sexual immorality.
• The brain-damaged adult displays a marked incapacity for empathy and compassion. This adult pursues gratification with little or no internal braking from conscience.
• This adult typically gravitates toward one or more of the following pathologies, the rate of recidivism for which is nearly 100 percent: pedophilia, substance abuse, serial rape, serial murder, spousal abuse.
• The adult abuser gets worse with time because it takes more and more to gratify him. Drugs, surgery and therapy do not repair the pathology.
• Children who grow up in abusive homes, repeat the abuse in their households.
As these facts suggest, the cause and effect relationship is generational. The tragedy is that once brain damage has occurred, the child is largely beyond help. However, the adult targets of abuse can be helped and everyone can learn the early warning signs.
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Whitney and Bobby—A Teachable Moment
One of the world’s most celebrated voices was nearly lost to what she says was an addiction to her husband. Veterans of domestic abuse recognize the syndrome: a woman belittled, criticized, defined and humiliated to the point that she can no longer think clearly, defend herself or get away.
As Whitney Houston spoke to Oprah Winfrey on a private soundstage, millions watched and wept over her ordeal. Houston, “the voice”, described years of escalating drug use and domestic abuse. Viewers like me were stunned that a woman of such accomplishment risked her gift to drugs and allowed herself to be reduced to a nervous wreck by her husband.
This happens every day to women of greater and lesser accomplishment. On any given day, one woman in 10 is contending with what Whitney Houston contended with:
• Their child saw her dad spit on her mom and throw her against a wall
• Their child saw her mom hit back once in an act of self defense and draw blood
• She gave up her work to be a full-time wife, to her later detriment
• She endured regular emotional and verbal assaults that she never understood
• She walked on eggshells to avoid assault
“Whitney Houston’s voice is a national treasure and she is to be commended for speaking her truth. She is fortunate to have family, wealth and faith to lean upon as she comes back from domestic abuse. Few are so fortunate. The legions of emotionally and financially battered women out there are a national tragedy. The only way to stop abuse is to learn the warning signs so you can avoid it altogether or escape it before you are unable,” says author Anna Moss.
Moss created a revolutionary mind map describing the hard-to-see and harder-to-believe truths and consequences of abusive entanglements. RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS—37 Life Lessons from a Journey through Abuse takes the reader deep into the warning signs and the secret agenda they eventually reveal. Readers learn how:
• Perpetrators are made, not born
• Targets of abuse set themselves up for the taking
• Perpetrators look for a target with particular attributes
• Targets’ best qualities are used against them
• Perpetrators mask their intent with deceit and deliberation
Written for the uninitiated, Moss’ guide cuts through misinformation and stereotypes to make a teachable moment out of a personal tragedy. It also offers insights and encouragement as only a survivor could.
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The Kentucky Tragedy - What We Can Learn from the Amanda Ross Case
An anthropologist and domestic abuse veteran speaks out about the lessons we can learn from the Amanda Ross/Steven Nunn case. The teachable moments give hope and spell out the implications for us all.
What can we learn from what happened to Amanda Ross? If you guessed “lots”, you’re right.
For starters, we can learn that:
• Attractive, educated, independent women get abused.
• Men in suits kill women in suits.
• The risk isn’t over just because the woman has left.
• Abusers get worse over time.
• Some men kill when they lose control of their victim.
• Protection orders don’t often work.
• Women usually confide to someone when they’re scared.
“Most of what goes on in abuse is counter-intuitive, but when it can be identified, it can be predicted and when it can be predicted, it can be prevented. Once you get it, you have discernment you can use in your own life and you may just get the chance to make a difference in someone else’s life,” says author Anna Moss.
Abuse happens behind closed doors in all kinds of homes, offices, schools and churches. It happens to all kinds of women, to every part of their bodies and to every part of their lives.
If the agenda were easy to escape and the warning signs easy to spot, abuse would become a minor issue. But it’s not easy to recognize and respond to, so it has become a major issue.
Eight million work days, the equivalent of 32,000 jobs, are lost every year due to domestic abuse. Six million household days are lost and five million children regularly witness their mothers, siblings and pets being hurt or threatened annually.
“The core behaviors and patterns of domestic abuse have been decoded. This specialized knowledge can be learned. Once that happens, the tables will turn on the abusers in this world. Everyone into the battle” adds Moss.
If the people around Amanda Ross had known what they were looking at then, she may very well have not died that day. If the people in the Kentucky legislature know what they’re looking at now, her death will not have been in vain.
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For Millions, Everyday is 9/11
Eight years ago, in a matter of hours, the face of society changed because of what the few did to the many. As we reflect, let us also be mindful of the millions who suffer daily at the hands of those they once trusted.
Today, we pause to honor the dead and shake our heads. Over three thousand souls perished for reasons we still can’t fathom. As we ponder this momentous event, let us acknowledge another national tragedy that we can do something about through the power of knowledge.
The leading cause of injury to females between the ages of 14 and 41 occurs at the hands of their intimate partners. Women over the age of 60, particularly those with means, are emerging as the second highest risk group. Statistics from national agencies memorialize these losses for every 24-hour period in this country:
• 43 murders
• 16,000 days of housework
• 21,000 rapes
• 32,000 days of income-producing work
• 54,000 health care visits
“Millions of women are wasting their lives, and the lives of those who depend on them, in hopelessly abusive relationships. Business is losing billions and government is spending billions on the effects of all that waste. The cost in emotional suffering is incomprehensible. This is a high price to pay. We will need wound-dressing for a long time, but this can ultimately be prevented,” says author Anna Moss.
These powerful words come from an abuse survivor whose daring new book, RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS reveals the truth and consequences of abusive entanglements. Moss takes the reader deep into the warning signs and their agenda. Readers will learn:
• How abusers are made
• What they look for and why
• How not to play into their hands
• How to spot them from a safe distance
• Why warning signs are hard to see and hard to believe
Knowledge is power and what we don’t know can destroy us. In the realm of relationships between human beings, discernment is the lever for change and hope.
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Could the Pittsburgh Massacre Have Been Predicted?
Lack of awareness of the warning signs of abusive relationships has once again landed in the news. Last month, a man wired his house to explode and chained his wife to the wall. This month a man retaliated against a former girlfriend with three guns in a gym. What will happen next month?
Every abusive relationship follows a pattern of escalation, explosion and release. This pattern can play out in a day, a week, a month or longer. The explosive phase can be spontaneous combustion or it can be a slow burn. The final phase of George Sodini’s life ended in a hail of bullets in a darkened gym class. Sodini was an attractive, educated man whose attempts to relate to people were so deficient that he was finally driven to murder and suicide after posting his pathology on the internet for more than a year. He succeeded because no one around him recognized the red flags.
“George Sodini seems to typify the middle-class lone nut. He appears presentable, articulate, even ’nice’. This is one of the masks that dangerous individuals wear. What lurked under that mask was a deeply disturbed, disconnected man whose hatred of women, possibly including his mother, could have been a big red flag. These defective individuals are made, not born. Their acts become preventable when you can predict them. You can predict them only when you know the warning signs.” says author Anna Moss.
Another pattern of dangerous relationships is the acting out that occurs when the perpetrator loses control of his target. He may wreck his car, he may make a scene in public, he may get arrested, he may blog, he may post videos and then he may hunt down his prey. Seventy five percent of women who escape abusive marriages or dangerous relationships are attacked by their former partners within six months of their exit.
The warning signs of dangerous people and relationship have been decoded. People can learn how to spot the potential for danger at a distance. The behaviors, techniques, personas, mind games and habits that abusive or dangerous individuals exhibit show up to varying degrees in every part of their life. They show up behind closed doors at home, at work, at school and so forth.
Recognizing the red flags requires specialized knowledge that can be learned; they cannot be discerned by logic or intuition.
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The Red Flags Around the Murdered Model
The murder of a woman by her intimate partner is the most predictable violent crime. Ryan Jenkins entrapped Jasmine Fiore with promises, but after losing control in public outbursts and knowing a day in court approached, he found the way to save face: he killed her and ran.
When an abusive man is about to lose control—when his wife tries to leave him—he is most likely to react violently, even if he has not been violent before. Seventy-five out of a hundred women who are murdered by their husbands are killed during or after their escape.
“Jasmine Fiore is the latest example of the most predictable murder of women: she was killed wanting to escape an abusive husband. These acts become preventable when you can predict them. You can predict them when you know the warning signs and what they mean,” says author Anna Moss.
Ryan Jenkins has looks and the privileges of wealth. The early evidence shows already that he is a textbook abuser. He succeeded because no one around him recognized the red flags.
• He is angry. He was cited for battery less than three months after marrying Fiore. Early reports suggest similar behavior in his past.
• He is controlling. The incidents witnessed by others suggest Jenkins sought to control his wife’s every move and reacted when he could not control her.
• He is jealous. Fiore’s friends report that she hid a phone from her husband for fear of being cut off from family and friends.
True to form, Jenkins’ family is refusing to speak to the press. As Moss points out in her book, abusers are made, not born. The family that creates an abuser keeps secrets and denies that anything is the matter. Withholding and denial are more red flags. When faced with evidence, abusers will deny, justify, lie or murder to avoid accountability.
Every abusive relationship follows a pattern of escalating tension that climaxes in abuse (emotional, physical, sexual, etc.) followed by a quiet phase. Women often get sucked further into abuse because the quiet phase kindles hope in their broken hearts. They begin to hope again. Fiore had had enough and confided to a friend that she was “in over my head” and wanting to escape.
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Survivor Teaches Interpersonal Abuse Prevention with New Mind Map
Like its extreme form, psychopathy, interpersonal abuse is a counter-intuitive set of learned behaviors that people can learn to recognize and avoid.
The old saying is true: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. The consequences of interpersonal abuse continue to exact a high toll on millions from every walk of life. It also costs business and government billions every year.
A 2003 study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control reported that business losses due to domestic abuse equaled nearly eight million paid days of work—the equivalent of 32 thousand full-time jobs and nearly six million days of household work on an annual basis. http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/dvp/IPV/ipv-consequences.htm
“One of the worst things about abuse is the waste—of lives, energy and money. Millions of people are contending with horrific situations that they cannot escape without sustaining further damage. Clearly, a more effective prevention message is desperately needed,” says author Anna Moss.
These powerful words come from respected authority Anna Moss whose daring, new book, RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS reveals the agenda that harms millions every year. In unflinching detail, her book renders the emotional context of 37 classic relationship red flags. She takes readers into the counter-intuitive world abuse to reveal:
• What abusers look for and why
• Why certain people play into their hands
• Why the warning signs are hard to see
• How the warning signs change over time
• What the only real protection is
“Abuse is a response to anxiety. Violent incidents of all kinds are rising as socio-economic and personal pressures continue to climb.” Moss adds.
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